TECHNICAL ISSUES

Where can I find the downloads I just bought?

Look in cyberspace, of course.

These are right brained, free spirit/wild child downloads, not well-trained homing pigeons. You have to be fiercely intentional to actually corral them long enough to have an intelligent conversation.

Here are a couple of possible hunting strategies.

When you placed your order, our computer (supposedly) sent you an email with links to each product you bought. It should have been at your home before you finished putting your credit card away.

Look for that email in your inbox, your junk mail, or by your front door mixed in with the Amazon deliveries.

If the porch pirates took your email along with the boxes, we have an equally effective back up plan.

Sign into our website HERE.

After that, look for Order History and Product Links on the list that pops up in your account.

Generally, you will find it in the top left-hand corner, unless our left brained, linear website had a relapse and needs to go back to therapy.

When you click on that link, you should see your products clearly listed. You click on the link you want, and it downloads to your computer.

After THAT, it gets pretty sticky if you want ME to explain YOUR device to you from 1,000 miles away. That is NOT what the gift of prophecy was designed for.

Just sayin’.

Where are my downloads after I download them?

Sulking, I assume.

They really liked the vibe here and now they are there. Did you really think you could compete with us for ambiance?

NOT!

So there are two ways to find them on your device.

1. For those of you who love treasure hunts, look for the word “Downloads” written in Sanskrit somewhere on your device. Probably 4 pt. font. Light grey. It will start you on a 40-step journey of clues to decode. Keeps the brain young, they say.
2. If you used up all your competitive juices getting the lid off your new Rx, then find a teenager. Many of them are proud pros at sulking and therefore they can suss out the hiding places of your recalcitrant downloads. In less than 40 guesses.

Why won’t my files play?

Because you need more deliverance and inner healing, I guess.

Oh, wait! That is why you bought the downloads.

Talk about a double bind. This is simply evil.

Let’s try a different approach. There is a root problem and a surface problem.

The root problem is that Arthur talks too much, too long, too often. That makes the files too big to download without zipping them first. Someone should tell him that TikTok videos are taking over the world and they are only 60 seconds long. Hint, hint.

Zipping an audio file is like putting the teaching in the trash compactor in your kitchen. The files and the trash take less space after being zipped or squashed or whatever.

So too many words is the root problem.

Old age is the surface problem.

If the device you are using is young, hip and expensive, it will likely have unzipping software already installed. The software will potentially recognize that you downloaded a zipped file and automatically hop to, reinflating the squashed files without your even knowing it was on the job.

If you have an older device, like my cracked and beloved cell phone . . . well, do the math.

In that case, you could do a Google search for free unzipping software, sort through 660,000 hits, decide which one you want to try first, download it, install it, go to YouTube, watch the instructions on how to use it, then drop-and-roll or drag-and-drop or whatever that nonsense is, until your files play magnificently.

Or not.

If you have lived long enough to be my age, you know that the aforementioned teenager, plus a slice of Tiramisu, or the password to your Netflix account will unzip your files for you, even if your cell phone IS the original hand crank version.

Just get it done.

Never mind the humiliation caused by the look the kid gives you. He is living in YOUR basement, after all, so you bring some substantial competence to the table, somewhere.

Where are my Live Streams?

In their cage, of course.

They are LIVE streams after all. Would you let your three dozen valuable Buff Orpingtons run loose?

To access the coop, I mean cage, sign into your account HERE.

Look for “My Streams” and click in that box.

You will see a picture of each of your streams and the word WATCH next to it.

Click on WATCH and the video should flow without the drama associated with audio files.

He sez!

Why can’t I download my Live Streams?

Because.

Why does my credit card get rejected?

Because our website has horrible control issues, that’s why.

Thanks for asking.

We live with this EVERY. DAY. Click here to send us an online sympathy card. But please, no sappy ones.

It is a generational issue with the website. So far, we have traced it back to George Gordon Byron, 6th Baron Byron, FRS. Also known as Lord Byron the poet who wrote “She Walks in Beauty.”

His life was the antithesis of his elegant poetry and when he died in Greece, the world became a better place. His former wife made a host of inner vows about their daughter, Ada Lovelace, and the mother’s vindictive obsession resulted in our website problems.

True story.

You think you are hot stuff in the deliverance sector? Check out Lord Byron’s antecedents. BEYOND. MY. PAY. GRADE!

But I digress.

Here are three rocks to look under.

First:  As befits an uptight piece of software, the store treats spaces as enemies. Try entering your credit card number with no spaces, before, during or after the core 16 digits.

Often that will placate the grump.

Second:  Sometimes international orders will get turned down because your bank is into smothering mothering and is trying to protect you from American crooks. Can’t help you with either the bank or the crooks.

A common work around is to use PayPal. It was founded by Peter Thiel and his partner in crime and they are hard core gamblers, I mean builders, with a big tolerance for risk. Often your foreign PayPal account will work when your bank just gives you the evil eye.

(Note to aspiring businessmen: Peter is probably personally richer than your bank. Food for thought.)

Third:  If you have a credit card on file and have been using it for a long time, and now, suddenly, it won’t work, I have bad news and good news.

The bad news is that it is probably expired.

Click on Account in the top Menu bar.

Select Payment Profiles.

Enter a new card. Select “Default”

Bury the dead.

Try checking out again.

And the good news?

Your card expired before you did.

Stop fussing.

I can’t get into my SLG account.

Isn’t it cool that the Bible still has no password requirement? You can just pick it up, open the book and indulge in the best literature of all time.

Bar none.

But if you INSIST on eating processed food, instead of raw, organic, straight-from-the-garden spiritual food, here are some options.

If you try to login and you get a message saying, “Authentication failed,” that is high brow tech talk for “Your password is wrong.”

The programmers who write the Login code have to go through a savage screening process to prove that there is not even a drop of the milk of human kindness in their veins.

In theory, you could click the “Forgot your password” link in hopes of solving the problem, but we all know those links are there primarily to allow some programmer somewhere to howl like a hyena at your gullibility.

That link is actually hooked up to a randomized crazy maker, so they occasionally work for customers born between two and three in the afternoon, on the fifth Thursday after a full moon, in an odd-numbered year. The link always works for the programmer so don’t even bother filing a repair ticket.

So after playing their silly little game, you reach out for a real human being, at SLG, of course.

Denise@TheSLG.com uses almond milk in her cuppa Joe. Not quite the milk of human kindness, but it does seem to be enough to make her quite personable, provided you ask her nicely.

I have paid my dues and can get away with being snarky to her. Occasionally. Don’t you even think about it. She was a junior high public school teacher in the ‘hood before we rescued her, and you don’t even know what a boomerang is until you make your one and only attempt at giving her lip or talking down to her. The almond milk vanishes in a nanosecond and so will you when you get her comebacker.

There is no known inner healing for a junior high teacher’s bedrock drive to survive.

Now, suppose you try to login in and it just loops back to the login page without even the courtesy of a rebuke.

That, of course, lands on your inner file of mysterious broken relationships where good friends suddenly treated you like a leper, and you never figured out what crime you had committed.

A mean file. So sorry our website triggered it.

Unlike the junior high teachers, there IS therapy for that traumatic file.

If you do get the silent treatment from the login page, it very often means that the cookies in your browser are copping an attitude. You didn’t put enough baking powder in the cookie dough, apparently.

Try using a browser you don’t normally use, to see if it will let you in. If so, you can go back to your favorite browser and Google “How to clear the cookies on a recalcitrant browser.”

And be sure to spell recalcitrant right. You are in enough trouble already. You don’t need artificial intelligence in Google lording it over you in its usual odious, pompous manner.

I am overseas and can’t enter my address.

There are three possible causes and NO, this is not a God-ordained fractal of three.

It is a collection of lame causes.

First:  You know those people who start the week on Wednesday and live it toward both ends? Yeah. Those ones.

One of them set up the store and predictably reproduced after his own kind.

Sigh.

But we can game the system.

If you go to the middle of the address section and select your COUNTRY first from the drop-down menu, then you should be able to go back to the beginning and enter your data logically.

Aggravating. Ridiculous. Unreasonable.

I know, I know. Just get it all out. You will feel better after detoxing.

Second:  You might have a really old iPhone.

Apple leads the world in planned obsolescence, so they can get richer at your expense. Kudos to you for fighting back by still using your old phone.

Simple fix for this one. Write Denise@TheSLG.com and she will handle your order with grace and simplicity. Take THAT Apple!

Third:  The United States Postal Service does not service your country right now. They are boycotting dozens of countries at the time of my writing.

Afghanistan. Sure. Australia???? Whazzup with THAT? Click here for updates on the mail boycott.

Can I send a gift to a friend who needs it?

But of course.

Anyway, why would anyone send a gift download to someone who had already arrived at full perfection?

Suppose you have really great taste and want to send “Healing Womanhood” to a guy you know who needs some tools to heal his bride.

Scroll through the titles in the download store until you arrive at that album. You have three choices on the right: Add to cart, Gift Album, More Info.

When you click on Gift Album, it will take you to a page where Healing Womanhood is already selected. You don’t have to type it in. How cool is that?

In the box under that title is a drop-down menu of all the other products in the download store. You can scroll, click and add as many more albums as you think the guy needs to become a truly awesome husband.

You obviously need to add his name and email address in the boxes below the products.

Then comes the challenge. In the final box, you write a finely crafted message, making sure he knows you are investing in him because he is an extraordinary person and you really believe in him – not because he is a chump.

Even though, it is possible for both to be true simultaneously.

Ask me how I know.